So. How did that work out for you?
It took another 8 months or so to legally finalize the dissolution and make the necessary adjustments in my financial situation. Then it took another 8 months to adjust my sense of self to the point that I'm: A- Not suicidal, and B-Seeing a way forward.
Overall I see the whole thing as beneficial. A win/win for everyone. Truthfully, I had thought of doing the same thing many times but lacked the courage to go through with the act. It was symptomatic of my moral failings in general that I would let the relationship molder and collapse to the moribund state it had.
So. Now it's November but the day is sunny.
I'm still on sertraline, having failed to maintain a trial separation from the SSRIs in favor of introspection and meditation.
I come fresh from a wonderful, long, warm summer here, having spent my mornings with Luke on the deck watching the universe through the filter of my backyard and fresh coffee. As the weather is colder I'm trying to keep up this therapy and I'm trying to improve my relationship with my dog with an eye to adding a second dog to the mix during the new year.
We tried adding the dog Sasha last spring but failed due to her repeated escapes from the yard to chase most anything that ran by out here. I really liked her and was pretty devastated when we had to take her back to her foster mom.
(The next day - Sunday 11/20/22)
Another beautiful, sunny and cold day. Slept pretty well last night but woke up at 0330 really cold, so got up and rearranged my blankets and that did the trick. Luke slept on his bed until about 0700 then he jump up on my bed. He's a funny dog.
I came back to write because of a show I watched on Netflix about Josh Hill and his psychiatrist. He recommended writing to take advantage of the introspection and self-awareness that it brings. I certainly know that from experience and it has been a long time since I've written anything.
Of course, writing just for the sake of writing is unlikely to produce any great revelations, at least during the length of pieces I'm likely to be patient enough to write at this point in my life. Probably the best I can hope for is to set a timer for something like 20 minutes and then rinse and repeat every morning. I seem to be pretty good at embedding myself into ruts and following them for years at a time.
So there's my plan. Except for the fact that I'm already looking at this drill as a punishment. Oh well, I'll just have to bear that burden. Maybe something larger will have to come out of this. Sooo, onwards to the setting of the timer.
Ok the timer is running and I'm typing. We'll see how this goes. Last evening when Ben got the mail I got the pound of black walnuts I ordered from Amazon. I'm hoping there as good as the ones I got from Douglas. Of course I doubt there's much difference. It is however a lot of work to shell and pick out the nuts.
Let's see. Ben and Taylor are here and of course that makes both Luke and myself happy. It makes a much nicer house when there's people moving around and making noise. I understand the "old folks" of my youth having the TV or radio on in the background when they were puttering about the house alone. I find myself doing the same thing now. Of course I'm the "old folk" now.
Last night I dreamed about having trouble moving along or organizing something. I can't remember exactly. I do remember that when I woke up and went to the bathroom about 0330, I was glad to have left behind the dream I was having.
I remember now that part of the dream was that I was in a group being tasked to create sculptures or something like that of animal faces from some malleable media like clay. The size of the pieces were pretty large and there was a time limit. I think this was related to the show about ERs I watched last evening. I only knew some of the people I was with. The teacher or authority figure was a stand-in for one of the bosses I had in the OR. Someone I was able to out-maneuver. Again, I can't recall the exact circumstances of the dream scene. It was not a bad dream but it was busy and somewhat repetitive so I wasn't enjoying in the looping scenario. I do recall a couple nice parts, but I didn't dislike leaving the whole thing behind when I awoke. I was, as I said, also very cold.
I think Ben was still up gaming when I woke up at that time. I say this because I thought I could hear him saying things. But of course my hearing is unreliable, especially in my left ear. I tend to hear random noises as voices in my left ear. ( I just checked with him and he was up at that time.)
Only about 6 minutes left on my timer so I'll push ahead. Plans for today? Really not very much to mention. I would like to get the Apple TV+ set up on my iPad and try to push it to my TV in the front room. Because the TV is from 2017, Ben says it's not likely to work. I'd also like to learn about the home security systems like Ring and SimplySafe and the others to see which one might be useful here. I think it might be better than the security we had with the landline and might replace the wheezy old Lorex system currently installed. Also it's almost black Friday which might be more economical this year.
Oh, also. When Ben and Taylor were out last night they found a little Thanksgiving meal for one in a store and they got it for me. That was very nice of them.
Ok I'll close for now.