October 1st

September has slipped by and I am feeling at odds with myself. Part of it is a recurring question of self worth and part is that I believe I can feel myself slipping again. There's a sense that every day, every moment that passes I feel a little weaker, a little more withdrawn and less engaged with the world outside myself. Usually this feeling passes after a day or two without fanfare. It's just replaced with a more vibrant picture of the world. This time it's been here since Friday now and I'm hoping it fades soon.

The sale of Neuraxiom becomes official today. I haven't heard from the IT department of MTSA yet to learn how we begin the transfer. The reality of it is becoming real and I'm a bit surprised how upsetting it is, in a way. It feels like another failure. A bungled opportunity. I was in the right place at the right time with something to offer and then I just weaseled out and let the opportunity wither and gasp out. I'm happy MTSA appeared when they did and that they had an interest in taking the site over and making it more useful.

I just went back into the site files and cleaned up a few more dead-end pieces. Got rid of the old IJ section, which apparently wasn't working anyway. So I'm now uploading it to the beek site to try it out before I publish it for real. Went back in and did some serious trimming. Hoping I haven't screwed anything up. I'll put it up on beek and check it out then put it up and move on with my day.

Ashton's 18th birthday is this week. There are a few things I need to do to get ready for it. I'll work on a list in between chores here so I can make the most of the trip to the store.

Right now I'm consumed with cleaning up the site. Like pressure washing the post hole digger to prepare it for sale.

I can tell a lot from my dreams and thoughts as I lie in bed. I can tell, for instance, that I'm withdrawing because he prospect of drawing or painting, now seems scary to me. When I think about it, I feel a small panic that makes me shift my attention to anything else. The superficial issue is that I can't think of anything to paint or draw. I end up in the same old circles, eyes, noses, faces, boxes, crude dogs. Garbage!

Just got a call from my cousin Mike. They're planning to leave their summer coasting grounds tomorrow and will swing by for a visit. I'm looking forward to seeing them but I have to figure out something I can make for dinner and for some reason (probably related to my general mental state), I'm coming up blank.

I'll wander around the store and something may come to me.

More later,


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