OK, you got me.

Today I don't feel like painting or writing or doing anything creative. I had some motivation earlier but I suddenly found myself unmoored and feeling like running away and so I'm taking some time to get centered.

I started with some meditation and it was quite hard to become focused, but I persisted and finally was able to get control of my thoughts and breathing. Once that happened I felt calmer and once there, I only wanted to stay there, floating and free from the anxiety and frustration. Instead, I opened my eyes and read a couple helpful articles on mindfulness.

One of the articles I read had to do with mastery of subjects and they mentioned writing and the importance of setting aside a time to write. Once again I read that it didn't really matter what it was that I wrote about, just write. By writing we eventually come around to what it is that we need to think about. It may take a while, but eventually we get there. I understand that to be true.

Sometimes it seems to take a very long time for my mind to finally take over the conversation I'm having with the keyboard and type whatever it is that I need to get out, or what I want to say to myself. In this way, my mind teaches me what I need to know right now. When I don't connect in some way with my mind, my thoughts become more and more disordered and chaotic and a tension and anger increases inside me.

By letting what is inside come out, I confront what I'm trying to ignore and then I begin to become free of it. Until I do, I am a prisoner of my inner conflicts. The problem with it is that my mind keeps sending the messages; through dreams, through random thoughts and interpretations of the things around me.

I can feel and hear the conflict going on in my own mind. Between sections of my brain or at least the functions that I assume are camped out in different sections of my physical brain. It is the split-brained man, fighting for a ceasefire, if not unity.

My fingers are also stiffer when I haven't physically typed anything in a while. By writing every day, my hands stay more supple and flexible and accurate. When I avoid or forget to type and write, my hands stiffen and become like wooden extensions of my arms. Over the past few days, I've noticed that I've dropped more things and like utensils and paint brushes. I wonder if that is a direct result of not writing for a bit. Also as I type now I notice that my error rate has greatly increased.

Yesterday, as I dropped things that I tried to use in the kitchen I actually worried if the problem weren't related to nerve or brain problems, but now as I write I wonder if it is only that I have stopped my more regular routine of daily writing. The answer is obvious; I need to set aside a minimum of 15 minutes every day to write something on this blog or in emails. This blog is better because it allows me to clear the gutters of my mind as I exercise my hands and fingers.

Writing was part of my daily routine for over a year, I think, and it was therapeutic for me, in every way. Why did I stop what was working for me? I should begin the practice again. There is no reason why I can't have my routine include writing and painting on a daily basis. Writing must include editing what I write.

More later,


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