They told me it would all pass.
Another day comes and once again I'm thankful to be thankful and willing to do my part, whatever that may be.
I was trying to find things for Ben's birthday and one of the things he put on the list were two tickets to see Steve Martin and Martin Short in Seattle so he and I could go. What a nice guy! But of course my agoraphobia kicks in and I tell him I appreciate it but I really don't want to go and then I obsess and begin a list of a thousand reasons that I can't go and I feel like shit. I checked the ticket prices and something on the main floor would be about $500. In the meantime, I'm thinking of all the horrible things that could happen and the embarrassing things that could happen and I feel like shit again. All night I toss and turn and try to put the issue away, still grinding away on all the things that could possibly happen. Honestly, I'm back in the same straight-jacket of my own making. Just now I opened the ticket site again and went to some possible tickets and almost texted Ben that I changed my mind and I froze and my stomach turned over and there I was again, back against the wall. That same feeling. Explainable only with a shrug.
I need to move on and draw and paint and walk on the treadmill and meditate and think about this again in the background. I need to separate all the "what if" thoughts from my thinking and focus only on the here and now and what this would mean to me in terms of taking time to be with my son. Focus on the positive aspects of this and there are many.
In the meantime, I will do some drawing. First I should meditate and get back into the present.
Enough for now.
More later,
p.s.- I thought more about the importance of this chance and decided that I would take it and do my very best to make the most of it. I texted Ben and he said he was still wanting to go and I went to Ticketmaster and bought us two tickets on the Main Floor 6 rows back on the right. Now I will focus on the positive aspects and stay in the present. This may be one of my best memories when it is over.
I need to move on and draw and paint and walk on the treadmill and meditate and think about this again in the background. I need to separate all the "what if" thoughts from my thinking and focus only on the here and now and what this would mean to me in terms of taking time to be with my son. Focus on the positive aspects of this and there are many.
In the meantime, I will do some drawing. First I should meditate and get back into the present.
Enough for now.
More later,
p.s.- I thought more about the importance of this chance and decided that I would take it and do my very best to make the most of it. I texted Ben and he said he was still wanting to go and I went to Ticketmaster and bought us two tickets on the Main Floor 6 rows back on the right. Now I will focus on the positive aspects and stay in the present. This may be one of my best memories when it is over.
We all like to stay home where our stuff is, but when you were that age you thought nothing of taking a road trip in an unreliable vehicle with no cellphone, etc. , not to mention doing sketchy shit enroute, while there and on return. You'll be fine. Enjoy it
ReplyDelete